Terms & Conditions

By uploading a photograph to FaceTrace, you accept these terms in full. You also accept the verdict, whatever it may be. Verdicts are final, non-negotiable, and frequently uncomfortable.

FaceTrace is a vibe-based facial intelligence service for entertainment purposes. FaceTrace is not a substitute for an official background check, a DBS certificate, a therapist, or the affection of your immediate family. Any resemblance between our verdicts and reality is coincidental, occasionally devastating, and statistically inevitable.

FaceTrace operates a continuous review framework administered by an individual known as Phil. Phil is non-elected, has no formal qualifications, and reserves the right to disagree with you. Communications addressed to Phil are read in the order Phil feels like reading them.

Once issued, a verdict cannot be unissued. You may scan again, but the previous verdict is logged in our internal records and in Phil's memory. We do not offer corrections, clarifications, or apologies for any archetype assigned, including but not limited to "Patient Volcano", "Stored Rage", and "Sunshine Threat".

FaceTrace does not currently operate a formal appeals process. Informal appeals may be submitted by sighing audibly. Phil may, at their discretion, ignore your sigh. Formal disputes are handled via a tribunal of three friends chosen by us, none of whom will take your side.

"Lifetime" in the context of the Full Check refers to your lifetime, which we estimate using a proprietary blend of facial geometry and educated guessing. We make no warranty as to the duration thereof.

Your photograph is processed in real time by AWS Rekognition (a real, serious service with whom we are affiliated only in the sense that we send them money). We do not store your photo on our servers. We do, however, store your verdict, which is, in many ways, worse.

You agree not to use FaceTrace to:

• Make hiring decisions of any kind.
• Make dating decisions of any kind we'd be proud of.
• Submit photos of pets, statues, or oil paintings (we will detect, judge, and return ambiguous results).
• Take any of this seriously.

To the fullest extent permitted by law, FaceTrace, its operators, and Phil specifically disclaim any liability for emotional damage, damaged friendships, awkward dinners, group-chat disruption, or sudden onset existential dread arising from any verdict issued by this service. If you receive "Quiet Menace", that is between you and the camera you used.

We may update these terms at any time. We will not tell you. You agree to remain bound by them anyway.

These terms are governed by the laws of England & Wales, the unwritten laws of British group chats, and the deeply held personal convictions of Phil.

For inquiries: shout into the void. We monitor it weekly. For urgent matters, sigh louder.